My Experience: Cesarean Session

Growing up in the kind of society I did everything is God’s fault in a way: directly or indirectly. When something one considered good happened God is awesome and He orchestrated the wonderful surprise. For example you received money from your uncle during Christmas, thank God! Or you passed your exams so well that the promise dad made will be fulfilled; double thank God! But when things considered bad happened then God didn’t do it but He allowed the devil to do it so it’s still his fault right? Double Right!

Thus throughout my life taking responsibility for decisions and actions was not possible. Someone ought to take that responsibility: God. The only part where one is at fault is when he/she doesn’t have enough faith to believe God to do for him/her what He’s done for other people: what is common. Thus eventually one lived with a lot of guilt and shame when things that happen to other people ‘normally’ doesn’t happen in the same way to him or her. On this premise I’ll share a very deep part of my life with you.

I enjoyed an amazing pregnancy. I was healthy, happy and… (was trying to get a last ’h’ word so I’ll write ‘h3’ but forget  it. Lol). Then during the 39th week I was really tired and wanted the baby out. With advice from loved ones and suggestions from the Internet, I unanimously decided to climb up and down my three flights of stairs (5 times) to induce labor. Baaaaaad decision!

The next day I had antenatal and the doctor had to detain us because the baby was in distress. Her heartbeat was alarmingly high. One decision needed to be made and it needed to be made fast: the baby must come out. We (all the people I know) believe in natural (no pain relieves, and especially no cs) delivery. You must put in all the effort to birth your child otherwise you’re not worthy of the ‘motherhood badge’. NO CS!!! Period. Everyone I have as close relations believes that delivery must be natural. There should be no reason why any other means should be employed. Then it means your faith was not strong enough to trust God to do yours. And anything that is not what God originally planned is the devil’s option and God may allow it but it’s definitely not His ultimate best for you.

My cervix was high so inducing labour, (which is also not God’s best but could be considered because you still put in some effort), was considered but not the most beneficial. Given the baby’s state that would even worsen her situation. But I was fine and willing to go through with a natural delivery. The doctor (bless his great heart) was willing to get me to finally agree to a CS. CS? Yes that was where the final decision landed. ABOMINATION!!! I was screaming in my head. That’s not what I want and I really hated the idea of being the first in my lineage to do the abominable. I felt ashamed. I felt guilty that I couldn’t trust God to bring the baby out while I was being wheeled to the theatre (like some story I heard). Why me? Why? Why was God not hearing my prayer. (I don’t even remember if I prayed or not.  Lol) I was upset.

The process was done in about 45 minutes. The baby stabilised and everyone was happy but me. I hated myself. I hated the baby who had made me a disgrace (my motherhood badge is gone for good!). I hated the permanent scar on my belly that served as an everlasting reminder. I tuned out. For days I will sit and watch the baby cry without even moving a finger. My husband noticed. My sister did too. And they helped me get over my ‘hatred’. But I still felt the shame. And although I recovered quickly and started loving the baby and caring for her, I felt like a very important part of my life, my belief in God and my claim of faith in Him were all false. That moment when your faith in God is shaken so badly that….. hmm!

But I thank God. Yes I thank God that I had that opportunity to choose to have a CS. Today I look back and I’m very proud of the decision I made. And I see the hand of God at work on my behalf. After two miscarriages He gave me the opportunity to have a baby who is alive (she’s actually the reason why I started this blog in the first place). I didn’t lose her to my foolish decision of inducing labour.  Or to having an antenatal appointment which was later because a later date could mean something worse happening. Or to the lack of equipment for the procedure which could have caused a tragic end to a very good story. Or to the negligence of the doctor or to my stubbornness to deliver naturally because these could have all been factors which would have caused her death. But…

I thank God that I had access to a very good hospital, Sinel Specialist Hospital and an even awesome doctor: Dr. Michael McCarthy who spent over 4 hours trying everything possible to stabilise the baby while he convinced me that the best decision to take was to have a CS. Even to the extent of bringing in another doctor so that I could have a second opinion. Today I can thank God and I feel no shame or less of a woman or mother. Who cares about a motherhood badge. Those who award it can keep mine. My husband and daughter think I’m an awesome mum so ‘please keep it I’m fine without it’ (My personal note to the badge givers. Hahahahahaaaaa). I’m actually really laughing.  Today I look at my scar, (yes I’ll get rid of it soon. I have to maintain my bodily awesomeness if there’s something like that) 😉 and I feel nothing but gratitude. It was no one’s fault (God’s (through the devil) or my lack of faith). It was just the mercies and kindness of God. It had nothing to do with me but everything to do with His purpose and council for the life of my awesome daughter (she’s really awesome. Lol) and I’m grateful that I’m here now…

Because I’m free!!!

This is for all the ladies out there who’ve had to or will have to make such a decision. You’re an awesome mum for choosing an option that ensures that both you and your unborn child are alive and healthy. I think you’re already a great mum. And please don’t allow anyone, system or ideology to judge you or look down on you because of that.
Yeah and as usual I’m out 😉